One fear you hadn't considered
I'm afraid.Or more accurately, I feel fear. It rises up from my stomach and lodges right beneath my rib cage.I'm no stranger to fear. I've faced plenty.My or my daughter's death when two months shy of being born she presents with a heart arrhythmia.When my mom collapsed in my arms one night, in my home. And is dead just hours later.Financial pressures of the size and duration that would leave most others blithering senselessly.And as hard as each of these times were, I faced them. It's not like life gives you much of a choice.And I'm stronger, wiser and more compassionate for having lived through those fears.But this fear I feel isn't like what I felt then. It's different. It's not something to be faced with courage, like walking through hot coals only to come out the other side unscathed.
I've also faced the fear that Marianne Williamson speaks of in her famous quote: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."I've made the journey to my Soul and stepped emphatically into that relationship. It is humbling. And utterly terrifying to feel, sense and know the miracle of that Divinity expressing through me in my work.And that fear, of my inherent greatness, left me in awe and gave me a choice - own the fear and walk your path, or don't.I chose to accept the fear and know I'd face it time and again as I walk my path and teach others about living their Mastery.But this fear I feel now isn't like that either. It isn't the fear of seeing and facing your own Light.
No. This fear is the fear of my human-ness.
I fear the mortal me that slips so easily into negative thought. The human me who so desperately requires familiarity, to know 'the plan.' The human me of thoughts and nervous system that will, with so little effort, pull me into habits and patterns that keep me small with the illusion of safety.I believed before this fear that if I found my way to my Light - to the shining brightness of my purpose on this Earth - that facing that fear, accepting that fear, would inoculate me against the worst of fear.Surely if I live my Mastery, there should be no room for fear, and surely not fear of my human-ness?But, you see, that's the journey of Mastery... to be human and find your own personal relationship with your Divinity.And then each day live out - consciously, deliberately and joyfully - that humanity and Divinity with everything you have to give.
This fear, lodged beneath my rib cage, this fear is not here to keep me alive or protect me from danger or help me grow.
This fear is here to remind me I am alive.